Saturday, May 9, 2009

Pain, emotional pain..

Seems to be going around lately, seeing alot of posts lately with folks that are down.. sadly, I'm one of them. tonight I sit here listening to music and feeling very down about life and the future.

it's not that I want to end it all and check out from this world, but a part of me doesn't see much point in continuing to fight. Ok, I can get through today, I know that.. Ok, I can get through tomorrow.. I know that too.. but when I look down the road, I dont see it improving.. in part I'm sure because I'm about to come head on in dealing with my fears and become mobile, turning my life upside down and having to shift it all. Part of me hopes that suddenly that will make me like life and want to play again, but most of me thinks thats a pretty tall order and it just isnt likely to happen at all.

I wish I knew the answer to the wonderfull question that has plauged me off and on for years "why bother to continue this life"? I'm not a christian, so I dont have a belief in Hell perse, I do believe that in some way I am responsible for how I have lived my life and that if I quit early I'll be missing out on some important things I was supposed to learn.. Or, do I know what I need to and checking out is simply my way to graduate? doubt there are any set rules on that one.. I dont want to bring pain into the lives of those folks I know and who care about me, but they cant fix the lack of desire to be here. That comes from the inside of course.

oh well, wont answer it tonight thats for sure, will try to get up early in the morning before it hits 90 and do a bit more on the truck I guess and try to keep my spirits moving forward.

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